clearing space

the view from my kitchen - NOT (i wish)

i'm on  a (seemingly neverending) mission of cleanse and declutter. i've come to the conclusion that if my 'outer space' is awry, then heaven help my inner space.  it never ceases to amaze me how much crap a family of four can accumulate in the span of four years. we moved here from an even smaller space and had the correspondingly small amount of stuff.....inexplicably, we have expanded. which is to say, we have far too much crap.

i think it has something to do with the burgeoning spring -- the ability to throw wide open the windows and let the air flow that makes me want to redecorate as well. except i hate the upheaval so i'm on an additional mission to de-beige-ify our space. everything...and i mean everything, is painted the same shade of Industrial Beige -- we came from a more colourful home and my earth-tones phase in furniture so i'm about to throw myself in the moat over the blandness of it all.

i'm rather enamoured of bright apple green and am currently trying to decide which unsuspecting piece of furniture is going to get a paint job....

{swoon}

ps. exercising my prerogative of being chronically changeable....i've enabled comments again, for those who are so moved....;)

pps. images courtesy of Google

Wednesdays and Thursdays have become non-days -- my shifts have changed and now i have two full days of work instead of one full and two halves. ironically, it's to my financial advantage -- just as everyone else is feeling the pinch of their schedule. which also makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, despite it being a decision beyond my control.

they've become days of utter disconnection -- i feel all adrift, out of my daily rhythms which makes me realize how important they've become. those simple rituals that mark the passing of our day. instead, i get home from work and the kitchen is in various states of disarray, the cats need feeding, the dogs want walking and everyone is clamoring to tell me of their day. i feel like there's not enough of me to go around. which makes me anxious and grumpy.

i wonder if this is my fear of maternal failure being poked, my low tolerance for "overwhelmedness", or simply the fact that it didn't occur to anyone to wash the fucking dishes.


ps. i've turned off the comments...it's just better that way. xo

full circle

my hands still smell faintly of the small chestnut pony. i didn't try to wash them too much, just so that i can breathe deeply of that familiar scent for a while longer.

i was in a foul mood before we left for Savannah's lesson -- but an hour or so just being in the barn, and i come home happy and calm and clear of mind.

more and more it feels like riding again is the next step...the thing i need to do to propel everything else forward. which is really difficult to explain, it's just something i'm beginning to Know on a cellular level.

i gave up riding when i was pregnant with Savannah and it was a choice made with a full heart. i also knew, being as i am, that it was going to be for the long haul. my soul is woven from strands of a wild pony's tail, i knew i couldn't do either thing in half-measures - Motherhood, or life with horses.  and so i walked away.

a few trips up and down the Spiral and i feel like it's time to revisit all that...that perhaps it isn't a matter of half-measures; perhaps, like one's love for subsequent children, the heart expands.

i bought myself a pair of secondhand boots and will dig my helmet out of the trunk where it was stuffed all those years ago.  and next Monday, we'll see how things go.

misfit

we drove out to get coffee and i  listened to them wishing they didn't have so much to do -- that their lives were simpler, that there was more time. i told them ours was and that we had plenty.

but then again, we don't own a pony and our car is rusty.