{scraps of things from the pocket of an old coat}

Friday, April 22, 2011

memory

in the fog of recent disconnect i have tiny flashbacks...memories of times gone by- they're filtering in to remind me of who i've been and therefore who i am.

i remember my beloved red horse - his real name was Muntej but i called him Monty...as in, The Full -- he was just naughty like that. he would roar out of the barn rearing and we'd careen our way to the racetrack amid my laughter and other people's shaking heads. when we were down in Florida at the training center, a senior's group had come to watch the horses train - we were jogging around past the grandstand and when he saw all the white-haired old ladies he stopped dead and reared straight up, pawing the air in fine dramatic style. i berated him, half-heartedly, and off we went again. the ladies were delightedly horrified. he went on to win multiple stake races and was champion turf male for that year. a year or so later he broke his foreleg while out playing in the round pen - monkeying about, as always. it was better that way -- he wasn't meant to get old and weary.

and then there was Poetically who would buck her way around the track, squealing with glee, until it was time to gallop. she was champion 2-year-old filly that year and was never in doubt of how special she was.

and so many more - dozens of them - Caught Out, Sea Run, Forest Princess, Cassia, Galadriel,Taos... not all of them superstars and some of them not even very nice, but all of them had a part in rebuilding a young girl's battered soul.

so Rose  was right - it is hard to imagine myself being happy trundling around a school working on where my elbows ought to be and if my heels are down far enough. and Sarah is right too -- there's a someWhen where i'm still riding those fast horses. so perhaps i ought to be able to be happy with a quiet life.

but i'm not. i know now  that my heart would be happiest on some tangle-maned creature trekking through the woods; maybe an occasional, clandestine gallop across a fallow field. and so i'll  wait for that, because i've come to realize what it is that binds my soul to them. and it isn't necessarily having  them do what i want in a precise and orderly fashion - it's them allowing me to touch their soul and feel their joy of being alive. perhaps eventually i'll find a retired racehorse and we can meander into our dotage together.

all that aside, i do fancy learning to joust. ;)

4 comments:

sarah said...

Okay. You've touched the truth. Now you have to make it happen. There will be a way. There WILL be. Anything can happen if we just accept that it's the truth we need. Can't afford it? So your kids don't get riding lessons. (Shock! Horror! I put the mama foremost! But I think maybe you need it more than them.) I may regret this comment ... I am typing it quickly, I only have a minute ... but my first instinct is to tell you that I sense this IS possible for you, and there will be a way, and if you let yourself you will find it.

David Allen Waters said...

This is such a wonderful post. It seems you are on a journey of discovery...enjoy the ride my friend, enjoy the ride.

hugs

mel said...

lol -Sarah...no need for regretting the comment. i had myself a quiet smile, though -- thinking of a certain mama who pushed herself in different ways so that a certain magical girl could harness the wind. ;) Not to worry, dear heart -- i know there is a way...and i intend to follow the road opening up for me - of this, i'm certain.

David - oh i shall, in more ways than one -- thank you dear one. xo

Rose said...

Hmmm there was a reason you rode mad race horses and not sensible dressage horses.... I have ridden far too many riding school horses not to understand the difference. Occasionally there was one who had some spark that riders sawing at their mouths and being insensitive had not killed.... I can see you with a retired racehorse. Apparently in Ireland they are putting them down all over the place because people can not afford to keep them.... Sometime, your paths will cross and there will be a new wild horse in your life....