whale songs

when the words take me -- and i mean when i really step over the threshold and into the river -- i am unreachable.

what frightens me more than not being able to come back, is perhaps not wanting to.

i need to remember that love anchors more securely than any knots i might tie with my own ink-stained fingers.

on finding Truth

i'm in the habit of consulting the cards, in times of ponderence {new word} -- i tend to draw anyway when the moon is full as well as dark -- always on the dark moon....it's my birth moon and when i'm at my deepest submersion.  anyhoo -- whatever your woo, sometimes you just want a bit of clarification, right? i rarely use my tarot deck anymore, finding more juice in either one of my meditation/oracle decks. but that's just back-story...

last night, one of the cards that came to me was concerning Truth -- and in this particular instance, i've come to learn that it concerned one of my own, rather than that of another.

without going into the long and convoluted story, it seems that a particular chapter of my life may be over. or at least on indefinite hold. and that's rather sad -- as it's not something i ever would have expected. i spent years living and breathing horses -- and to think that the desire to ride would ever be usurped would have been utterly laughable. but faced with a choice -- it seems my heart lies in other places now. oh, i will still reap the healing benefits of being around them...Savannah has taken up the reins now {egads, a frightful pun and i would have avoided it, really...} and perhaps that's part of my truth...that it's her turn now.

you see, given the choice of spending available income on riding or my current indulgences of books and art supplies - my heart has chosen art. perhaps it's because art enriches my life daily, whereas the riding would be once-weekly or so; perhaps it's because riding a quiet horse isn't the same as riding a racehorse -- and all those years of fast horses has spoiled me for the finer points of instruction, no matter how high the quality and deep the challenge. or perhaps it's more fiscal than that and, after having Saturn kick my ass around the universe all last year, my sense of financial responsibility has reached all new levels.

but what this has really done for me, is wake me up to the reality that it's time to get on with things; that the ideas i've had simmering under the surface are ready to emerge. or rather, i'm ready to commit to them. i've realized what i want and have the skeleton of a plan to get exactly that.

so i wasn't wrong -- that returning to my horsey roots was the missing piece of the puzzle. although certainly not in a way that i expected.

more importantly, i've been shown a way home and it's time to start walking.

time

i see my younger self in those girls -- the ones with cold hands clutching pens in the dark and quiet. i read my own thoughts in their fervent wishings of lamp-posts and the magic that is real between the pages. i wonder what i would have written here, if i had been able to do that then, and what sort of pictures i would have posted on my Tumblr.

i think there would have been the same petticoats and haunted eyes but my girls would have ridden wild ponies with tangled manes.

still, i wouldn't swap my exercise books and ball-point pens or the days spent in forgotten places with myself.

stars on my umbrella

i was standing at the bus stop on Thursday morning. it was sleeting then and i felt a bit like a git with my umbrella but i knew that it was going to turn to rain. it was too cold for my hooded raincoat, so using the umbrella was an attempt to avoid looking like i'd been dragged through a hedge backwards by the time i got to work.


i didn't stand in the shelter because there was already someone in there and that's just weird and terribly uncomfortable.


i was mulling over the looming work-day and how dire the situation was and how on earth were we going to salvage  it.  soon, the sleet began to turn to rain. and that's when i saw it out of the corner of my eye.  a perfect five-pointed star made of crystal clear ice, hanging off  a thread on my umbrella. and then i saw another, and another. i'm quite sure i gasped and almost certain i let out a little "ooooh!" of joy.


i wanted to show the burly man who was standing in the shelter, but he was wearing headphones and a scowl. i wanted to tell someone. sometimes  i wish i was braver. but i filed it away to share later and smiled the rest of the way to work. even on the bus, which isn't always a clever thing to do.


still, a funny thing happens when you walk along a street smiling -- people look at you strangely at first, but then they smile back. 


magic, it was.